My husband took my scale...
......and that's ok because it led to an epiphany.
I have struggled with self confidence and body image issues since my early teen years. Thankfully I've brought it under the *mostly* healthy umbrella by focusing on eating the right things and exercising regularly. There will be no skipping meals in my adult life! I like food waaaay too much. But I also like weighing myself. It's like an addiction for me = *unhealthy*. First thing every morning I get on the scale to see where I am. I use the excuse that it's damage control. Instead of waiting a week I'll know within a day if I need to eat healthier or run harder.
I have become a slave to numbers. There is a range of what I call my "happy weight". I'm pretty focused on keeping it there. For some reason this summer though I couldn't do it. I was four pounds over my happy weight. Now this shouldn't seem like a big deal right? I still fit in my clothes and no one else can tell. But that NUMBER!
I started taking some supplements this year to help with my fatigue and have struggled with a lot of bloating over the summer and especially about a week ago. It looked like I was 4 months pregnant and it happened twice within the same day after I took my supplements. My husband and I started to make the connection....so I took out the supplements I felt were the culprits and HE took away my SCALE!
Being so into fitness I (mentally) know that scales are dangerous and especially when you lift weights you should distance yourself from the numbers and focus on size and measurements. I've never been able to do this. Until, of course, I had no choice and Patrick took away my ability to depend on the number!
A few things have happened this week:
1) I'm getting better sleep. Whether this was due to eliminating the supplements, the extra workouts I've been doing this month or my efforts that began a few weeks ago to force myself to go to sleep sooner, the results have just kicked in this week and I have more energy, I'm falling asleep sooner and I'm naturally waking up earlier.
2) I'm tuning in to how I feel. Since I can't look at a number in the morning, I wake up and feel skinny. I used to wake up, feel skinny, and then feel bad after I weighed myself.
3) Paying attention to strength. I have been working hard to lift more weights and I am physically seeing the difference. I'm lifting MORE! I'm slowly getting more comfortable with depending on how my clothes fit and how I feel instead of a number on the scale.
4) I'm more conscientious about eating because I'm bored versus eating because I'm hungry. Since I can't depend on a daily check in to do emergency damage control ( which usually made me miserable anyway) I have to be more aware of what I'm eating and why. In a healthy way. If I'm legitimately hungry there is no way I'm not eating something. If I'm just bored I might reconsider :)
5) I had a life epiphany. So last night i was watching an old movie and it starts with a crooner singing a lovely ballad. I thought about how while his voice might technically have the ability to be better it still evoked such a happy feeling listening to it. I then realized its BECAUSE of the uniqueness that it does that. He sang in HIS voice and it was beautiful. I was happy to listen to it just as it was.
Then it made me think about my voice and I realized that I have been comparing my voice to others, and that is just ridiculous. There are tons of "perfect" and mature opera singers that I will never compare to. Trying to sound like them will only cripple me emotionally and vocally. I realized I've gotten into a nasty habit of never feeling perfect enough. Vocally OR physically! I usually have a positive attitude but these are really negative thoughts!
I had to tell Patrick my new realizations. While it sounds very obvious and almost silly that I'm just now embracing this, for some reason it had new meaning last night. I am unique and need to accept myself. In regards to my body as long as I am being healthy and exercising then I need to be able to be happy and CONFIDENT in how I look. In regards to my voice I realized that as long as I'm relaxed, singing in a healthy manner and enjoying it, I need to stop focusing I how it SOUNDS. Because 1) it always sounds weird to the singer and 2) if I'm doing all those things then there isn't much I can do to change the sound anyway. It's just MY sound and that's that. If someone doesn't like it there isn't much I can do so I should stop worrying about it. There is a greater chance that people WILL like it when I'm relaxed and not overthinking things.