Asking "why me?" and experiencing unconditional love...
2 days ago, I went to the ER. I had been in bed almost the entire afternoon and while experiencing severe abdominal pains I had thrown up. After that the pain became more manageable….if I laid in bed and didn’t really move :)
My husband, who as usual, was being saintly and had gone to help a nearby city with tornado relief work, came home late afternoon, took my temperature and called the on call oncologist after the temp read 101.5. The doc said to take me to the ER and that started our super fun 20 hours in the hospital.
You can see a short summary of what went down while we were there here:
Throughout this cancer journey I’ve had a lot of wonderings. Just like anyone might, I’ve wondered why (or how) this could possibly be happening to me. I completely changed my nutrition in 2012 - I completely changed my whole lifestyle to focus on health and wellness after 2016. I worked on healing my gut and balancing my hormones (really effectively) since 2017….. I saw drastic improvements in many facets of my life and I’ve helped dozens of clients heal their bodies as well…..and then I got diagnosed with cancer. What the heck?
Firstly, I’m not going to answer that question, because I can’t. Secondly, after a lot of thought (and finding pictures from 2 years ago of my single tumor that has never spread) I didn’t feel like all the work I’d put in was useless. I know that I did what I could when I could with what I knew at the time and that it surely strengthened my body.
Even so…some people WAY less healthy go through chemo and still work full time, function as parents and live seemingly normal lives while others (like me) get knocked out, sleep a lot, and get side effects or complications….
With my history and dedication to health building and disease prevention for the past 3-5 years, I was convinced I would be the patient with no complications and the fewest side effects….I was going to breeze through this cancer thing with 6 treatment in 3 months and then say goodbye to it forever!
But then my port suture wanted to get infected and I had to go on an antibiotic….then this past weekend happened and I had to be admitted to the hospital…..
And all these questions of:
“Why can’t my body handle this? I went in so strong!”
“This is really taking a toll on me, did I make the right decision choosing conventional medicine for this treatment?”
“I have to be on another antibiotic, what will people think about that when I usually avoid them like the plague? How do I feel about it?”
In addition to the complications, there is the regular and expected trauma of my hair falling out more and more every day… so what was once a semi- passable GI-JANE look is now an uneven, scraggle of fuzz that is embarrassing to leave uncovered. #hellobaseballcaps
“Why me? Why this reaction? Why now?”
I have no idea. But I don’t dwell too much on those questions. Because the answer doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter WHY God chose me, it just matters that He did. It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand it right now, it just matters that I will. It doesn’t matter that I’m not sure what I’m learning, it just matters that I will learn from this.
Last night, after spending the previous evening in hospital beds and being woken up every hour almost on the dot for blood draws, shots, IVs etc….Patrick and I were exhausted. Happily at home, in our own beds, and after several hours of napping for each of us, we spontaneously started cuddling and kissing and it felt super magical and connected….until I remembered what I was going through, what was happening to my body, and what I currently look like. I started crying and tear up even as I write this. Because I realized that Patrick was loving me and behaving towards me as if nothing had changed. As if I was still the most beautiful woman in the world to him and that it made no difference if I have hair or not. It was so overwhelming to be so vulnerable in that moment and just accept that he really does love me no matter what.
A lot of people talk more about their faith than I do. A lot of people pray more, do devotions more frequently or use spiritual language more. So a lot of times I feel “less spiritual than” when I don’t sprinkle God into every video or post I make ….but all I can tell you is this. My faith is a deep and intricate part of my very being and whenever I share it I want it to be completely sincere. Whether I pray about every decision prior to making it or not, I make the decisions I do based on what I believe. My Christian belief system completely affects the glasses I see the world through and how I react to situations mentally and emotionally every single day. It affects how I treat people, how I verbally respond when I’m frustrated about something, and how I think about these “why me’s”.
I don’t often get that “warm fuzzy” feeling or any sort of spiritual “woosh” when I pray or go to church. And here’s the thing. The way Patrick loves me, as overwhelming as it felt last night, is how God loves me (and you) every single day. He doesn’t care if you’re overweight, bald, sick, impatient, or flat out ugly inside or out. He loves you unconditionally and honestly, he doesn’t expect a single thing back from you except a desire to be in a relationship with Him.
While I was crying last night and Patrick was holding me tightly in his arms, I said “I feel like you love me so much and I don’t do enough for you in return.” And he just replied “You make me happy and that’s enough.”
WOAH. Can’t get more Jesus-y than that. All God wants from us is to be in a relationship with Him. That makes Him happy and that’s enough.
Now the real question isn’t why me, or why now….it’s….WOW. Can I accept this? I don’t FEEL worthy….but he says I am. So I can wallow in this sense of self doubt and worthlessness….or I can simply accept the love I’m given. No strings attached.